Don’t Chicken Out Now!

Here comes the happiest time of the year… Chinese New Year! When you have to listen to that annoying “WHEN” questions by Aunties (sometimes Uncles) and at the same time you have to give money to their grandchildren (Angpao). It’s basically like paying for your own misery. @.@ (Note: I usually had dinner at husband’s late grandma’s house on the night before CNY, then again on the next morning, and finally lunch at my parents).

So, I made our first attempt of TTC in 2017 (in hopes of getting out of CNY torture). No, not pregnant yet. And yes, another BFN. This time as suggested by my doctors, I was taking 200mg Utrogestan (progesterone) and Cardiprin 100mg (baby dose Aspirin) right after we’re trying in order to avoid another early miscarriage (in case pregnancy happened this cycle). Symptoms I got? Super dry skin on face (it did happen to me both times I got pregnant), sometimes gassy (!) and no brown spots at all few days before scheduled AF came, which made me kinda hopeful *sigh*

On CD 28 when I supposed to have my period, I took HPT in the morning, got a BFN. And then AF came the next day (once I stopped taking Utrogestan). So I guessed it was probably the Utrogestan that caused a delayed period (?) and also dry face. Been searching on Internet regarding Utrogestan vs delayed period, but there were too many contradicting answers. For the Cardiprin, I did not think it cause any discomfort or side effects to me (I took both for around 2 weeks or so). I’ve been thinking that next cycle I would not taking any hormonal medicine, maybe just Aspirin.

Have a happy prosperous Lunar New Year! Praying that everyone on the same TTC journey would soon find their happiness (baby or not, just please stay happy and hopeful! 🙂 )

Gong xi gong xi!


It’s Funny How Your Joke Is Not That Funny At All

Browsing through my FB timeline during holiday last week, I found someone post this “joke” on her timeline.


So basically it said that how her kids actually had grown up (which was true, she had two kids that already in Junior High if I was not mistaken) and she did not expect to have another baby, but turned out she was pregnant again with twins this time, no wonder she had been feeling the drowsiness, etc, etc. And it ended with “Then I woke up and it was just a dream” and with these all LOL emoticons. Last word “Hahahaha… Don’t get to serious”. (Plus the great sonogram pic – uh huh big time!)

I was literally speechless.

Somehow it was like your biggest issue, your biggest fear, your biggest concern being thrown in front of you as joke. Didn’t she have family or friends who’d been facing the hardship of TTC? Come on, you gotta do better jokes than that! You can still be funny but in a more creative and sensible way. Maybe some would say that “I didn’t mean to hurt anyone… I just had no idea that this would hurt you”. Okay, so I am telling you now that yes, your joke may have hurt someone. So just please stop doing that in the future.

This is a lesson for everyone (including me especially) that we should be more careful and sensible of what we are doing and saying. We don’t wanna get hurt, so don’t hurt others. Try to put other first, that’s how we learn to widen our horizon. Happy 2017! And live a better life 🙂

We’re All Mums, BTW.

In Indonesia, we celebrate Mother’s Day every Dec 22nd. Before, I would only say Happy Mother’s Day to my beloved Mum. Though we do not share much I-Love-You (sometimes) or Hugs (rarely) or heart-to-heart conversations (never), but my sister and I would always spend Mother’s Day lunch with our mum. And I know we all cherish that moment.

But this year, somehow, with all the things I’ve been through, I have that feeling of being discriminated by so called Mother’s Day celebration. Even I got annoyed every time I saw a posting in Instagram of someone giving birth and her friends would congratulate her and say “Welcome to Motherhood”, which to me sounded like a Sacred, Far-Away Land that we could never enter without a ticket in form of a BABY.

I still remembered how since I was 5, me as a woman (or little girl at that time) already had that nurturing motherly instinct. So my Forever Friend bear was sick. He got all this red rashes all over his body and fever. He couldn’t go to school. And I took care of him. I made him eating my special-made chicken porridge with carrots (he didn’t like carrots but it might be good for him I guess), gave him apple juice to cool down his fever and put him inside a thick blanket.

This year, I began to see Mother’s Day in a wider point of view. Of course we appreciate, love and respect someone who gave birth and raise us. Being a mother is certainly one of most challenging tasks. It’s a great responsibility from God. But again, there are many other type of “Mother” that we also need to give credits too.

Even across gender. I know someone who is being a dad and mum at the same time to his only daughter. He feeds her, combs her hair, makes a beautiful and neat ponytail. By this, how could we say Happy Mother’s Day only to those who give birth physically?

So, here I’d like to say Happy Mother’s Day to everyone who does a beautiful role as a ‘mum’ and for all TTC women out there. Yes, we’re all a mum anyway!:)

Find the One (or Two)

And that’s enough!

For now, if someone asked me my opinion on Obgyn-hopping thing like I did, my answer would only be one: Don’t do it! In past few months, I had been meeting with wrong doctors based on recommendation from others (I did not blame anyone, wrong-for-me obviously did not justify it was wrong to someone else). Sometimes they just wanted to help. And I was thinking that if I did not listen to them, they would think I did not try hard enough… (Mental Note: must be careful in giving doctor’s names to others as well!)

Stick with that one or two doctors that you trust and familiar with your health history (or in this case your womb history). No doctors are perfect. There are certainly pros and cons for each doctor, for example very friendly, caring doctor but have less experience or senior doctor with long list of experience in the particular field but keep forgetting your name and problem before reading patient’s data. If you have found the one that you and your spouse feel comfortable with, please just stick with that one (or two, if you think they might complement each other well).

Last time, I had a bad experience with one doctor recommended by a good friend of mine. This Obgyn doctor is “famous” to make TTC couple successfully get pregnant. Dr. R made diagnoses for me, that later on I found out none of them were correct. First, he mentioned about high Prolactin level he assumed I had after the miscarriage (high Prolactin level would avoid women of getting pregnant). Prescribed me with Cripsa (half tablets on first 3 days), which later on that night got me throwing up like crazy and suffocated and ended up at ER. Turned out they were common side effects of Cripsa as mentioned by the doctor at ER. Before, Dr. R only said it would probably cause dizziness. @@

Second, he checked down there and told me I had infection. Well hello! I took a very good care of myself and I did not feel any symptom (itchy or burning sensation whatsoever). I was perfectly fine! And he prescribed me and hubby with antibiotics. Great. So two days after that, I went to my previous doctor at Siloam to check on me. She did her job thoroughly and said everything looked just fine. Nothing like had been accused earlier. Of course I trust her! Since I did not feel any discomfort at all. I also asked about the high Prolactin level, she said it couldn’t be because I had regular periods (3 periods after my last miscarriage) with normal length each (between 3 to 5 days). I even took blood test just to make sure. Here’s the blood test result, which is normal.


I was quite mad and disappointed with Dr. R. Seriously (!!) But nothing I could do. Guess I just have to be grateful that everything resulted okay. Maybe it was God’s way to tell me to chill and relax for a bit. Anyway Christmas is coming too. So maybe it’s best to take a break from TTC this month. I do not want this happy Christmas month to be tainted with TWW, emotional breakdown, or any other disappointment. Let this Christmas just be peaceful and joyful like how it should be.

Merry Christmas All!:)

The Land of Myths

Within past few years I’ve been listening to some “advices” given by the elders (or shared by my friends and cousins) regarding how to get pregnant faster. One time I was at a one year old birthday party of a relative’s son, the grandma said I should better get peed by her grandson (How sweet of her!) in hopes of getting pregnant (Will rubbing it on my face make better result?)

So far…  very little of scientific-related advices, but A LOT of superstitious tales. Most of them include babies or something coming out of babies :p

For example:

  • Put babies on your bed (logic: maybe they’re cute and make you wanna try even harder to have one (?) )
  • Even better if the babies pee on your bed (logic: it could be some sort of magic substance within baby’s pee to help you get pregnant (?) )
  • Rub babies’ used powder puff on your tummy (logic: it feels good (?) )

In conclusion, getting pregnant is like catching cold or a disease. It looks like a VIRUS that you could catch from a baby. I should let my doctor know about this. In case he does not know yet…

Different Cups of Tea

One of the hardest thing within this TTC journey would be knowing someone close to you is getting pregnant (especially when it “seems” they get pregnant so easily, without even trying or planning it). Once I was just crying knowing a friend in my Whatsapp group is 5 months pregnant with second child. FYI: Among 8 of my closest friends, I was the only one with no child – talking about the odds *o* My friends have been all very supportive, one of them also had issue with multiple miscarriages in the past. But still sometimes of course there are topics that I could not follow, as I might have no experiences in those particular area of rising a newborn or toddler, etc… (Though I might be ahead in terms of Indonesian actor/tresses’ scandals lol)

Just last week when I was at Singapore seeing my Obgyn, I heard news of close relative is expecting. I would not say it didn’t hit me hard. I just FLIPPED. In times like these, I would be like Smeagol-slash-Gollum: Ohh how could she get pregnant first…??/You’re such a bad person! You should be happy for her/Why not me first God??/I should congratulate her… Keeping sanity was becoming quite a struggle here 😦 I was googling on some TTC forums about this stuff. And I found this woman who had 7 miscarriages (!) talking about how we should not get jealous of others’ pregnancy. Because everyone might have gone through issues of their own. If they fall pregnant, it does not mean they’re happier or their life is perfect. Her sister was getting pregnant and she really did think this would bring joy into the family. This woman definitely has the biggest heart<3

In my own perfect world of course it would be great if everyone is getting pregnant in such an orderly fashion :p But I’m not living in it. And also I would be feeling awful if one day (again fingers-crossed) my pregnancy news would make others feel bad. I pray for everyone who’s expecting to have a healthy full-term pregnancy and safe delivery. It has been quite a lonely journey here, but i’m certainly not wishing more people I know would be joining. For now, I’ll just try to absorb everything slowly. No need to rush. My heart would find its peace at its own pace…

Contradiction Leads to Confusion

As scheduled, we went to Singapore again to see Dr. Fong. (Supposedly on CD 12, but turned out it was on CD 16 since AF came 5 days early). So anyway… After a bowl of hot Vietnamese Pho for lunch 🙂 we went to our appointment at 2.30, waited for about 2 or 3 patients, then we got called. We explained that we unfortunately had another spontaneous miscarriage last month, approximately on week 5 (which similar to what happened August last year). We showed doctor the test result I took for autoimmune disorder. He directly highlighted my positive Anti Ds DNA which was 41.2 (Normal: below 25U/mL). Though ANA test was negative, he mentioned that we should be concerned about this.

He prescribed baby Aspirin (low dose Aspirin) Cardiprin 100mg to be taken everyday (!) once I fall pregnant again in the future (*finger-crossed*), from the day we get positive result until approx. 3 weeks before delivery time (as it might cause severe bleeding). It is to avoid blood clot that will restrain the embryo to receive all the good nutrients in order to be able to stay and grow perfectly. He was pretty sure that this might be the case that caused back to back miscarriage. He gave 30 pills for 30 days.

However… Since our doctor here did not agree on this therapy, we are a bit unsure about what to do now. I would not dare to take Aspirin during pregnancy without doctor surveillance. I could possibly go back and forth to Singapore – given the thought I might have healthy pregnancy next time, but still … It would not be as comfortable as having a standby doctor here in Surabaya. Now, we are thinking of finding new doctor that might agree with this baby Aspirin therapy. I got recommendation from a friend about the doctor she went to after few months of TTC for second child. Let’s see…

One thing Dr. Fong said that stays in my head (made me almost cry at doctor’s office – i’m indeed such a crybaby :” ) : Try to move on and don’t give up. *sobs* At times like this any kind of encouragement, even from a stranger or someone not so close would just mean so much to me. And I never stop thanking God for these people. May God bless ’em.

Note: Cardiprin 100 mg (30 pills) S$12. Currently I’m taking Folic Acid 1000mg and Vitamin E Eturol daily. Oh, and also a cup of relaxing peppermint tea 😉