We’re All Mums, BTW.

In Indonesia, we celebrate Mother’s Day every Dec 22nd. Before, I would only say Happy Mother’s Day to my beloved Mum. Though we do not share much I-Love-You (sometimes) or Hugs (rarely) or heart-to-heart conversations (never), but my sister and I would always spend Mother’s Day lunch with our mum. And I know we all cherish that moment.

But this year, somehow, with all the things I’ve been through, I have that feeling of being discriminated by so called Mother’s Day celebration. Even I got annoyed every time I saw a posting in Instagram of someone giving birth and her friends would congratulate her and say “Welcome to Motherhood”, which to me sounded like a Sacred, Far-Away Land that we could never enter without a ticket in form of a BABY.

I still remembered how since I was 5, me as a woman (or little girl at that time) already had that nurturing motherly instinct. So my Forever Friend bear was sick. He got all this red rashes all over his body and fever. He couldn’t go to school. And I took care of him. I made him eating my special-made chicken porridge with carrots (he didn’t like carrots but it might be good for him I guess), gave him apple juice to cool down his fever and put him inside a thick blanket.

This year, I began to see Mother’s Day in a wider point of view. Of course we appreciate, love and respect someone who gave birth and raise us. Being a mother is certainly one of most challenging tasks. It’s a great responsibility from God. But again, there are many other type of “Mother” that we also need to give credits too.

Even across gender. I know someone who is being a dad and mum at the same time to his only daughter. He feeds her, combs her hair, makes a beautiful and neat ponytail. By this, how could we say Happy Mother’s Day only to those who give birth physically?

So, here I’d like to say Happy Mother’s Day to everyone who does a beautiful role as a ‘mum’ and for all TTC women out there. Yes, we’re all a mum anyway!:)


Find the One (or Two)

And that’s enough!

For now, if someone asked me my opinion on Obgyn-hopping thing like I did, my answer would only be one: Don’t do it! In past few months, I had been meeting with wrong doctors based on recommendation from others (I did not blame anyone, wrong-for-me obviously did not justify it was wrong to someone else). Sometimes they just wanted to help. And I was thinking that if I did not listen to them, they would think I did not try hard enough… (Mental Note: must be careful in giving doctor’s names to others as well!)

Stick with that one or two doctors that you trust and familiar with your health history (or in this case your womb history). No doctors are perfect. There are certainly pros and cons for each doctor, for example very friendly, caring doctor but have less experience or senior doctor with long list of experience in the particular field but keep forgetting your name and problem before reading patient’s data. If you have found the one that you and your spouse feel comfortable with, please just stick with that one (or two, if you think they might complement each other well).

Last time, I had a bad experience with one doctor recommended by a good friend of mine. This Obgyn doctor is “famous” to make TTC couple successfully get pregnant. Dr. R made diagnoses for me, that later on I found out none of them were correct. First, he mentioned about high Prolactin level he assumed I had after the miscarriage (high Prolactin level would avoid women of getting pregnant). Prescribed me with Cripsa (half tablets on first 3 days), which later on that night got me throwing up like crazy and suffocated and ended up at ER. Turned out they were common side effects of Cripsa as mentioned by the doctor at ER. Before, Dr. R only said it would probably cause dizziness. @@

Second, he checked down there and told me I had infection. Well hello! I took a very good care of myself and I did not feel any symptom (itchy or burning sensation whatsoever). I was perfectly fine! And he prescribed me and hubby with antibiotics. Great. So two days after that, I went to my previous doctor at Siloam to check on me. She did her job thoroughly and said everything looked just fine. Nothing like had been accused earlier. Of course I trust her! Since I did not feel any discomfort at all. I also asked about the high Prolactin level, she said it couldn’t be because I had regular periods (3 periods after my last miscarriage) with normal length each (between 3 to 5 days). I even took blood test just to make sure. Here’s the blood test result, which is normal.


I was quite mad and disappointed with Dr. R. Seriously (!!) But nothing I could do. Guess I just have to be grateful that everything resulted okay. Maybe it was God’s way to tell me to chill and relax for a bit. Anyway Christmas is coming too. So maybe it’s best to take a break from TTC this month. I do not want this happy Christmas month to be tainted with TWW, emotional breakdown, or any other disappointment. Let this Christmas just be peaceful and joyful like how it should be.

Merry Christmas All!:)

The Land of Myths

Within past few years I’ve been listening to some “advices” given by the elders (or shared by my friends and cousins) regarding how to get pregnant faster. One time I was at a one year old birthday party of a relative’s son, the grandma said I should better get peed by her grandson (How sweet of her!) in hopes of getting pregnant (Will rubbing it on my face make better result?)

So far…  very little of scientific-related advices, but A LOT of superstitious tales. Most of them include babies or something coming out of babies :p

For example:

  • Put babies on your bed (logic: maybe they’re cute and make you wanna try even harder to have one (?) )
  • Even better if the babies pee on your bed (logic: it could be some sort of magic substance within baby’s pee to help you get pregnant (?) )
  • Rub babies’ used powder puff on your tummy (logic: it feels good (?) )

In conclusion, getting pregnant is like catching cold or a disease. It looks like a VIRUS that you could catch from a baby. I should let my doctor know about this. In case he does not know yet…

Different Cups of Tea

One of the hardest thing within this TTC journey would be knowing someone close to you is getting pregnant (especially when it “seems” they get pregnant so easily, without even trying or planning it). Once I was just crying knowing a friend in my Whatsapp group is 5 months pregnant with second child. FYI: Among 8 of my closest friends, I was the only one with no child – talking about the odds *o* My friends have been all very supportive, one of them also had issue with multiple miscarriages in the past. But still sometimes of course there are topics that I could not follow, as I might have no experiences in those particular area of rising a newborn or toddler, etc… (Though I might be ahead in terms of Indonesian actor/tresses’ scandals lol)

Just last week when I was at Singapore seeing my Obgyn, I heard news of close relative is expecting. I would not say it didn’t hit me hard. I just FLIPPED. In times like these, I would be like Smeagol-slash-Gollum: Ohh how could she get pregnant first…??/You’re such a bad person! You should be happy for her/Why not me first God??/I should congratulate her… Keeping sanity was becoming quite a struggle here 😦 I was googling on some TTC forums about this stuff. And I found this woman who had 7 miscarriages (!) talking about how we should not get jealous of others’ pregnancy. Because everyone might have gone through issues of their own. If they fall pregnant, it does not mean they’re happier or their life is perfect. Her sister was getting pregnant and she really did think this would bring joy into the family. This woman definitely has the biggest heart<3

In my own perfect world of course it would be great if everyone is getting pregnant in such an orderly fashion :p But I’m not living in it. And also I would be feeling awful if one day (again fingers-crossed) my pregnancy news would make others feel bad. I pray for everyone who’s expecting to have a healthy full-term pregnancy and safe delivery. It has been quite a lonely journey here, but i’m certainly not wishing more people I know would be joining. For now, I’ll just try to absorb everything slowly. No need to rush. My heart would find its peace at its own pace…

Contradiction Leads to Confusion

As scheduled, we went to Singapore again to see Dr. Fong. (Supposedly on CD 12, but turned out it was on CD 16 since AF came 5 days early). So anyway… After a bowl of hot Vietnamese Pho for lunch 🙂 we went to our appointment at 2.30, waited for about 2 or 3 patients, then we got called. We explained that we unfortunately had another spontaneous miscarriage last month, approximately on week 5 (which similar to what happened August last year). We showed doctor the test result I took for autoimmune disorder. He directly highlighted my positive Anti Ds DNA which was 41.2 (Normal: below 25U/mL). Though ANA test was negative, he mentioned that we should be concerned about this.

He prescribed baby Aspirin (low dose Aspirin) Cardiprin 100mg to be taken everyday (!) once I fall pregnant again in the future (*finger-crossed*), from the day we get positive result until approx. 3 weeks before delivery time (as it might cause severe bleeding). It is to avoid blood clot that will restrain the embryo to receive all the good nutrients in order to be able to stay and grow perfectly. He was pretty sure that this might be the case that caused back to back miscarriage. He gave 30 pills for 30 days.

However… Since our doctor here did not agree on this therapy, we are a bit unsure about what to do now. I would not dare to take Aspirin during pregnancy without doctor surveillance. I could possibly go back and forth to Singapore – given the thought I might have healthy pregnancy next time, but still … It would not be as comfortable as having a standby doctor here in Surabaya. Now, we are thinking of finding new doctor that might agree with this baby Aspirin therapy. I got recommendation from a friend about the doctor she went to after few months of TTC for second child. Let’s see…

One thing Dr. Fong said that stays in my head (made me almost cry at doctor’s office – i’m indeed such a crybaby :” ) : Try to move on and don’t give up. *sobs* At times like this any kind of encouragement, even from a stranger or someone not so close would just mean so much to me. And I never stop thanking God for these people. May God bless ’em.

Note: Cardiprin 100 mg (30 pills) S$12. Currently I’m taking Folic Acid 1000mg and Vitamin E Eturol daily. Oh, and also a cup of relaxing peppermint tea 😉

Hormonal Attack

Here’s the case, the last time i got pregnant (and the one time before that) my skin got so irritated. It’s like my skin got “angry”. It turned red, flaky and very dry (thankfully the breakouts weren’t as crazy, only a few pimples showed up at one time). So after dealing with all the miscarriage thing, I was trying to find products to calm it down. I used to wear Laneige skincare – the light one for combination skin. After browsing for days, I made decision to try Laneige sensitive range (the skin refiner and emulsion). I bought via some online shop on Instagram.

Apparently they are not that sensitive to my skin condition:(

For first few days wearing them, I thought I saw some change in my skin. It was less red and quite moisturised. Some pimples appeared, but I figured it was just hormonal (since my body had been gone through so much this last two months). But then after a week, I started to notice a lot more pimples (more like rash) on area near my nose and cheeks – they looked like some scary allergic reaction. I got so freaked out@@ I even stopped taking Blackmores Conceive Well, because I thought it could be the fish oil that causing the breakout. Other thing, was it because I bought these stuffs online that they might be fake product??

Since I still had some SKII products left (the FTE and Lotion), I just tried to use them back. Maybe they’re lighter and less irritating to skin, hopefully. So I stopped wearing Laneige treatment (i used to wear their BB cushion as well for months, but I stopped them altogether). Thank God! My skin seemed to respond it well. After few days, it got calmer and the pimples started going away. I can’t be more relieved. For now, I am just using SKII Lotion, FTE, and powder.

(Mental Note: never ever buy cosmetics or skin care product from unofficial online shop!!)

Note: So I’m scheduled to have appointment with Dr Fong on CD 14 – which means I am supposed to have period within 9 or 10 Nov… So God pleaseee… As I already bought tickets and stuffs 0.0

Hollow Heart

I’ve been feeling this hollow heart since the first time I did sonogram with nothing found on my womb (except damn persistent follicle whatsoever). Hollow. So this hollow heart keeps longing and searching for something. And this hollow heart is also super fickly.


One day I could have the urging feeling to get a new pair of glasses. Bought it. Then the next day I felt it did not fit me at all. That my old glasses looked so much better on me. Then another day, I would make appointment with my former Obgyn in Singapore. Getting all upset when I did not receive immediate reply from the staff. Mentioning about my second miscarriage. Received appointment date. Booked all ticket and hotel for me and hubby. Then again the uncertainty strikes back. Do I really need to see another doctor? What if he suggesting another cycle of Clomid and Metformin or even IVF as an option? Would it be more confusing rather than just stay with one doctor’s opinion?

If only a pair of new glasses could fill my hollow heart. Things would get so much easier. I will try to live my life on day to day basis, because apparently the Two-Week-Wait has changed to Three-Month-Wait (if not longer – which I hope NOT!).

Note: Betta HcG test came back okay (it was 0.7 – as my obgyn suggested it should be below 5). I stopped taking Blackmores Conceive Well Gold, because I felt it cause some breakouts, so today I shifted back to Elevit. Just made a mental note to eat more spinach and salmon regularly to change the Omega 3 supplement, which was not provided by Elevit.