ma·lef·i·cent (mə-lĕf′ĭ-sənt) adj. Harmful or malicious in intent or effect (thefreedictionary.com)
Today is CD 26. About one or two days away from AF. No wonder the monster was coming back *sigh*. For few weeks, I thought I was already fine, totally accepting the fact that a baby is gonna come into our big family (not mine obviously – sense the tone pls) in about three months. But then, on hubby’s family lunch a few days ago, all these negative, inferior feelings were actually coming back during all the baby talks. (Me was always like an open book, you can totally tell what’s going on inside my head just by looking at my face).
And I had this certain feeling (or could be caused by crazy hormones) that everybody might think that I was such a horrible person. A villain. To be honest, I felt really horrible too. No, I did not hate anyone (plus how could I even hate a baby that was not even being born yet or any baby – note: I’m crazy sometimes, but not on THAT level of craziness). Hate was too strong word to use. Instead of hate (in case anyone interested to know), I was feeling super scared. Petrified. I still am.
It is just like a tickling time-bomb.
Honestly, I do not know how to prepare myself for this. I mean I would not know how to react or response when the baby comes. Everyone would be cheering, full of glowing happiness and I would be like … I have no idea at all. I know one thing. I have to act NORMAL (even though this forced normal act is not normal at all @@). I pray hard for this, believe me. That I could genuinely feel happy for them. Because I DO want to. (Can’t believe London Euphoria pills effect just last for this long – not that I’m not being grateful).
So lately I’ve been thinking about the scene with Maleficent’s grand entrance on Aurora’s christening, when everyone’s looking at the dark evil witch coming closer to see baby Aurora. How everyone would see me that way when the day comes. Maybe. I don’t know. I hope not. Supposedly I would like just being the average visitors within the crowd.
Anyway, Easter celebration is coming. Hope everyone could enjoy their long weekend and have a good reflection. Happy Easter! xx.
So as mentioned last time, hubby and I are planning to go on a trip next June 🙂 I’ve never applied an online visa by myself before (usually through travel agent), so this time it was kind of nerve-wrecking (note: you can follow this link for UK visa application https://www.gov.uk/apply-uk-visa). After taking biometric data (In Indonesia they have 3 offices at Jakarta, Bali and Surabaya), if our visas were to be approved we would have received them within 3 weeks. But then last Saturday (9 days after data submission), I received this package at home. (Quite nervous opening the envelope – almost as distressing as waiting for a HPT result LOL). And yay, we are going to London! ❤
Maybe it’ll sound silly, but receiving these visas is kinda making me feel that things will finally fall into place 🙂 (Thank you visa-approval-decider-people (?) :p )
There is another thing I would like to share. As I have been consuming vitamin E lately (mine is Blackmores), I did some browsing about the pros and cons of vit E and its effect on fertility. And I found this interesting (yet very important!) fact: there are two types of vit E; d-alpha tocopherol and dl-alpha tocopherol. The first one is the natural form, while second one is synthetic. Being curious, I check both Elevit and Blackmores. To my surprise, vit E in Elevit is dl-alpha tocopherol and Blackmores’ is d-alpha tocopherol. You can check them by yourself. I haven’t read more about the side effect of taking synthetic vit E, but I am always being more comfortable consuming whichever claimed to be natural of course.
Anyway, I just can’t wait for June to come! :p Hope everyone also have something to look forward to excitedly… xx
It’s Tuesday morning at the office. CD 23. Not on TTC this month. And miraculously I feel fine 🙂 – usually during these few days before AF, my hormones (yes, I blame them!) make me go crazy. But hopefully not this month.
The reason we’re not on TTC this month (also for the next 2 months I guess) is because hubby and I are planning to go on a trip on June. We’ve been wanting to visit this country since 2 years ago. But we always cancelled for many reasons. One of them would be financial reason: as we’re on TTC, we thought it’s best to just saving money for medicine, doctors, vitamins, etc. But then I was facing this lowest point of my life when again last month I got a BFN (esp. when someone close in our family is being pregnant T_T). So when there’s this travel fair at our city, we decided to just buy the tickets!
Turns out, planning on a trip has a positive effect on my emotional being. As I focusing all my thoughts on this trip: watching recommended places to go and foods to try on Youtube, learning about the transportations, reading hotel reviews and picking up hotel to stay, making itineraries… I feel like all my negative thoughts start leaving me. I wasn’t so sure about taking this trip at the beginning, but now I was grateful that we’re making this decision. It does cost quite a lot for us, but I know it’s not only a physical trip. It’s more like a trip for soul 🙂
On my prayer last night, I was being grateful for this TTC journey that I have to go through. Maybe I was not going to learn anything if I have been given what I want easily. So far, I have learned about fear, anger, bitterness, envy. But I also learn about hope and love and faith. I don’t know what the future might bring, but I don’t wanna ‘wait’ anymore. For I believe the life I’m living on today is already the perfect version of what it should be. As I am learning God’s plan never fails.
Note: for now I only take vitamin E daily (Blackmores 250iu) and trying to add more and more healthy foods 🙂
CD: Cycle Day
TTC: Trying to Conceive
AF: Aunt Flow (period)
BFN: Big Fat Negative (Negative home pregnancy test)
It’s been a while since I wrote my last post. Nothing much happened since Chinese New Year celebration. It’s just I’ve been feeling I’m at the lowest point of my life now and I don’t wanna share too much negativity. Basically I do not feel like doing anything: I do not exercise anymore, I do not take any folic acid like I always did, and most fatally I do not hope anymore *sigh*
There were some nicest people that have been telling me they keep praying for me every night (one of them is my Aunt). One day my in-laws’ house assistant even sent me a text from bible verse “Blessed shall be the fruit of thy body…” Really I do feel grateful for these people and praying God would bless them with so many goodness in life.
A cousin shared a testimony from a pastor at church about how her parents were diagnosed to be barren but then gave birth to her after 5 years of praying. I was thankful for her thoughtfulness, but still the word BARREN came out a little bit too strong. Lately I seem to have only two kinds of emotion: sad/teary and angry. I hate to be pitied by others, so mostly I choose the second one (which I know equally ugly): Anger.
Today is CD 1. Husband told me that it seems the only therapy works on me would be TTC. Crazy but true. At least when I’m focusing myself on TTC, I feel a little bit of hope inside of me and it makes me feel a little happier. Does it sound like old-times Chinese medication method: to fight poison using poison?
Additional note: Yesterday I got a good analogy of me coming to children birthday party. I said to hubby that it would be like coming to a Ferrari Club Gathering or something, when you only own a Hyundai. People would be bringing and bragging about their Ferraris and you would just sit there and look pathetic. Oh well.
Here comes the happiest time of the year… Chinese New Year! When you have to listen to that annoying “WHEN” questions by Aunties (sometimes Uncles) and at the same time you have to give money to their grandchildren (Angpao). It’s basically like paying for your own misery. @.@ (Note: I usually had dinner at husband’s late grandma’s house on the night before CNY, then again on the next morning, and finally lunch at my parents).
So, I made our first attempt of TTC in 2017 (in hopes of getting out of CNY torture). No, not pregnant yet. And yes, another BFN. This time as suggested by my doctors, I was taking 200mg Utrogestan (progesterone) and Cardiprin 100mg (baby dose Aspirin) right after we’re trying in order to avoid another early miscarriage (in case pregnancy happened this cycle). Symptoms I got? Super dry skin on face (it did happen to me both times I got pregnant), sometimes gassy (!) and no brown spots at all few days before scheduled AF came, which made me kinda hopeful *sigh*
On CD 28 when I supposed to have my period, I took HPT in the morning, got a BFN. And then AF came the next day (once I stopped taking Utrogestan). So I guessed it was probably the Utrogestan that caused a delayed period (?) and also dry face. Been searching on Internet regarding Utrogestan vs delayed period, but there were too many contradicting answers. For the Cardiprin, I did not think it cause any discomfort or side effects to me (I took both for around 2 weeks or so). I’ve been thinking that next cycle I would not taking any hormonal medicine, maybe just Aspirin.
Have a happy prosperous Lunar New Year! Praying that everyone on the same TTC journey would soon find their happiness (baby or not, just please stay happy and hopeful! 🙂 )
Browsing through my FB timeline during holiday last week, I found someone post this “joke” on her timeline.
So basically it said that how her kids actually had grown up (which was true, she had two kids that already in Junior High if I was not mistaken) and she did not expect to have another baby, but turned out she was pregnant again with twins this time, no wonder she had been feeling the drowsiness, etc, etc. And it ended with “Then I woke up and it was just a dream” and with these all LOL emoticons. Last word “Hahahaha… Don’t get to serious”. (Plus the great sonogram pic – uh huh big time!)
I was literally speechless.
Somehow it was like your biggest issue, your biggest fear, your biggest concern being thrown in front of you as joke. Didn’t she have family or friends who’d been facing the hardship of TTC? Come on, you gotta do better jokes than that! You can still be funny but in a more creative and sensible way. Maybe some would say that “I didn’t mean to hurt anyone… I just had no idea that this would hurt you”. Okay, so I am telling you now that yes, your joke may have hurt someone. So just please stop doing that in the future.
This is a lesson for everyone (including me especially) that we should be more careful and sensible of what we are doing and saying. We don’t wanna get hurt, so don’t hurt others. Try to put other first, that’s how we learn to widen our horizon. Happy 2017! And live a better life 🙂
In Indonesia, we celebrate Mother’s Day every Dec 22nd. Before, I would only say Happy Mother’s Day to my beloved Mum. Though we do not share much I-Love-You (sometimes) or Hugs (rarely) or heart-to-heart conversations (never), but my sister and I would always spend Mother’s Day lunch with our mum. And I know we all cherish that moment.
But this year, somehow, with all the things I’ve been through, I have that feeling of being discriminated by so called Mother’s Day celebration. Even I got annoyed every time I saw a posting in Instagram of someone giving birth and her friends would congratulate her and say “Welcome to Motherhood”, which to me sounded like a Sacred, Far-Away Land that we could never enter without a ticket in form of a BABY.
I still remembered how since I was 5, me as a woman (or little girl at that time) already had that nurturing motherly instinct. So my Forever Friend bear was sick. He got all this red rashes all over his body and fever. He couldn’t go to school. And I took care of him. I made him eating my special-made chicken porridge with carrots (he didn’t like carrots but it might be good for him I guess), gave him apple juice to cool down his fever and put him inside a thick blanket.
This year, I began to see Mother’s Day in a wider point of view. Of course we appreciate, love and respect someone who gave birth and raise us. Being a mother is certainly one of most challenging tasks. It’s a great responsibility from God. But again, there are many other type of “Mother” that we also need to give credits too.
Even across gender. I know someone who is being a dad and mum at the same time to his only daughter. He feeds her, combs her hair, makes a beautiful and neat ponytail. By this, how could we say Happy Mother’s Day only to those who give birth physically?
So, here I’d like to say Happy Mother’s Day to everyone who does a beautiful role as a ‘mum’ and for all TTC women out there. Yes, we’re all a mum anyway!:)