Emotionally Impaired.

It’s been a while since I wrote my last post. Nothing much happened since Chinese New Year celebration. It’s just I’ve been feeling I’m at the lowest point of my life now and I don’t wanna share too much negativity. Basically I do not feel like doing anything: I do not exercise anymore, I do not take any folic acid like I always did, and most fatally I do not hope anymore *sigh*

There were some nicest people that have been telling me they keep praying for me every night (one of them is my Aunt). One day my in-laws’ house assistant even sent me a text from bible verse “Blessed shall be the fruit of thy body…” Really I do feel grateful for these people and praying God would bless them with so many goodness in life.

A cousin shared a testimony from a pastor at church about how her parents were diagnosed to be barren but then gave birth to her after 5 years of praying. I was thankful for her thoughtfulness, but still the word BARREN came out a little bit too strong. Lately I seem to have only two kinds of emotion: sad/teary and angry. I hate to be pitied by others, so mostly I choose the second one (which I know equally ugly): Anger.

Today is CD 1. Husband told me that it seems the only therapy works on me would be TTC. Crazy but true. At least when I’m focusing myself on TTC, I feel a little bit of hope inside of me and it makes me feel a little happier. Does it sound like old-times Chinese medication method: to fight poison using poison?

Additional note: Yesterday I got a good analogy of me coming to children birthday party. I said to hubby that it would be like coming to a Ferrari Club Gathering or something, when you only own a Hyundai. People would be bringing and bragging about their Ferraris and you would just sit there and look pathetic. Oh well.

Better things would come (or not).


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