Life is No Joke.

Finally I’m back after 4 months.

Quick update:

  • I’m still not pregnant (since it is purposely served as TTC blog, I need to mention this first)
  • I’m taking sewing class now (In case I’ll becoming old lady with no kids, at least I have something to do… just in case)

OK. On TTC, these past few months I had been taking some herbal Chinese medicine (apparently this ‘potion’ is quite famous). 3 glasses each day for hubby and me for 3 days.  They smelled and tasted like heaven (Note: if heaven smells and tastes like herbal Chinese medicine). It was the dose for one cycle. And yep, we decided to stop because they’re violating our tastebuds. It would not be fair for them. So, next.

I was also taking Fertilitea (yes, cheesy name), an herbal (this time Western) tea for 2 cycles. It claimed to contain Vitex herb, which was good for regulating cycle and balancing hormones. It tasted pretty normal (like peppermint tea I guess), so I was not complaining at all. Um, only one thing, still not pregnant.

But much bigger thing happened. A dad from my very close cousins (Note: my uncle) just passed away around one and a half month ago due to liver cancer. He was diagnosed about 2 months before and received intensive care at hospital most of the time. All of this just got me thinking about how my TTC issues actually meant nothing at all. Witnessing how the family was struggling in so much pain of losing someone they loved so much, making my own pain seemed so small.

It got me thinking of life fundamentals, which was just impossible to be explained well enough here. Basically, I did not think having a baby should be a life goal anymore. There were much more bigger and greater things in life that we should accomplish.

So yeah, I’m back writing this blog as one of the things I would like to accomplish in my life. Honestly, I stopped writing because I felt like it was making me feel more obsessed with this whole TTC thingy. But then again, I would like to be that Relatable Someone to anyone who is in the same journey as mine. Even if there is only one person reading this post, I would be glad if she could feel like there’s someone out there who understands how difficult this journey is 🙂

I’ll write again once anything worth writing comes up!

Goodnight 🙃

PS: Coffee makes you crazy.

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The One After London

Okay, so I watch too much Friends.

To sum up: London was pretty great and I got another BFN.

Now, a bit elaboration 🙂

As mentioned earlier before, we were planning to go to London on this June. Just the two of us (hubby and me). I was always nervous every time we were about to go somewhere quite far by ourself, especially it was our first time going to London. To add the tension, hubby got food poisoned  and needed to be hospitalised just few days before we were leaving (it was Friday the 2nd and departure date was on next Thursday the 8th). Thank God, he could go home on Sunday. Another set back was the terrorist attack news around the London Bridge area. At this point, we were really not sure if we would still go to London. But anyway, against all that we made it to London! Yay.

It was actually a good decision not to TTC before going to London. Cramped up for 14 hours on window seat (yes, economy class) was certainly not made for early expectant mother (sorry I acted so confidently that I might have gotten pregnant if I were on TTC haha..) But London weather were so perfect for all of the 7 days we were there. A bit drizzly sometimes, but never heavy rain. It was always around 20 degree in the afternoon and maybe around 15 degree at night. The hotels we picked were kinda perfect too. First, we were staying at Hoxton, which was very close to Holborn Underground (less than 5 mins walk). We could also walk to Covent Garden (yes, Shake Shack!). The second hotel was Portobello House on Notting Hill area. It was like a small hotel with 12 rooms only. But the interior was looking very vintage and lovely. It was a walking distance to Portobello Market too.

Hop On Hop Off bus was also a good decision for London first timer. We picked HOHO bus by Original Tour and took the 2 days package (including Thames River cruise, Kensington Palace and Tower of London tickets). We managed to take day trip to Edinburgh as well. It took 4 hours trip by train from King Cross Station (yes, the station where Harry would take train to Hogwarts from Platform 9 3/4). The highlight of Edinburgh was the Castle, Whisky Tour and also Oink (they had the best pulled pork and crispy pork skin!).

Now, about the BFN. We were currently thinking about doing insemination procedure. Still browsing (and again thinking thoroughly) about it though. The most important thing for us would be to make sure it would be aligned with our belief. I will not going to discuss it further here, because I am worried others would think I am being judgmental. I am not and I will never be. Anyone is free to make decision based on their beliefs and whatever they feel the best for them. I would share more about the procedure here once I have made consultation with the doctor.

So that would be all for now! Have a blessed day, x.

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Rehearsal for Queen’s birthday at Buckingham
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Had brunch accompanied by these guys :p (still at Buckingham)

Maleficent

ma·lef·i·cent (mə-lĕf′ĭ-sənt) adj. Harmful or malicious in intent or effect (thefreedictionary.com) 

Today is CD 26. About one or two days away from AF. No wonder the monster was coming back *sigh*. For few weeks, I thought I was already fine, totally accepting the fact that a baby is gonna come into our big family (not mine obviously – sense the tone pls) in about three months. But then, on hubby’s family lunch a few days ago, all these negative, inferior feelings were actually coming back during all the baby talks. (Me was always like an open book, you can totally tell what’s going on inside my head just by looking at my face).

And I had this certain feeling (or could be caused by crazy hormones) that everybody might think that I was such a horrible person. A villain. To be honest, I felt really horrible too. No, I did not hate anyone (plus how could I even hate a baby that was not even being born yet or any baby – note: I’m crazy sometimes, but not on THAT level of craziness). Hate was too strong word to use. Instead of hate (in case anyone interested to know), I was feeling super scared. Petrified. I still am.

It is just like a tickling time-bomb.

Honestly, I do not know how to prepare myself for this. I mean I would not know how to react or response when the baby comes. Everyone would be cheering, full of glowing happiness and I would be like … I have no idea at all. I know one thing. I have to act NORMAL (even though this forced normal act is not normal at all @@). I pray hard for this, believe me. That I could genuinely feel happy for them. Because I DO want to. (Can’t believe London Euphoria pills effect just last for this long – not that I’m not being grateful).

So lately I’ve been thinking about the scene with Maleficent’s grand entrance on Aurora’s christening, when everyone’s looking at the dark evil witch coming closer to see baby Aurora. How everyone would see me that way when the day comes. Maybe. I don’t know. I hope not. Supposedly I would like just being the average visitors within the crowd.

Anyway, Easter celebration is coming. Hope everyone could enjoy their long weekend and have a good reflection. Happy Easter! xx.

Fall into (Right?) Place

So as mentioned last time, hubby and I are planning to go on a trip next June 🙂 I’ve never applied an online visa by myself before (usually through travel agent), so this time it was kind of nerve-wrecking (note: you can follow this link for UK visa application https://www.gov.uk/apply-uk-visa). After taking biometric data (In Indonesia they have 3 offices at Jakarta, Bali and Surabaya), if our visas were to be approved we would have received them within 3 weeks. But then last Saturday (9 days after data submission), I received this package at home. (Quite nervous opening the envelope – almost as distressing as waiting for a HPT result LOL). And yay, we are going to London! ❤

Maybe it’ll sound silly, but receiving these visas is kinda making me feel that things will finally fall into place 🙂 (Thank you visa-approval-decider-people (?) :p )

There is another thing I would like to share. As I have been consuming vitamin E lately (mine is Blackmores), I did some browsing about the pros and cons of vit E and its effect on fertility. And I found this interesting (yet very important!) fact: there are two types of vit E; d-alpha tocopherol and dl-alpha tocopherol. The first one is the natural form, while second one is synthetic. Being curious, I check both Elevit and Blackmores. To my surprise, vit E in Elevit is dl-alpha tocopherol and Blackmores’ is d-alpha tocopherol. You can check them by yourself. I haven’t read more about the side effect of taking synthetic vit E, but I am always being more comfortable consuming whichever claimed to be natural of course.

Anyway, I just can’t wait for June to come! :p Hope everyone also have something to look forward to excitedly… xx

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We got our visa already!:) 

The Cost of Insanity

It’s Tuesday morning at the office. CD 23. Not on TTC this month. And miraculously I feel fine 🙂 – usually during these few days before AF, my hormones (yes, I blame them!) make me go crazy. But hopefully not this month.

The reason we’re not on TTC this month (also for the next 2 months I guess) is because hubby and I are planning to go on a trip on June. We’ve been wanting to visit this country since 2 years ago. But we always cancelled for many reasons. One of them would be financial reason: as we’re on TTC, we thought it’s best to just saving money for medicine, doctors, vitamins, etc. But then I was facing this lowest point of my life when again last month I got a BFN (esp. when someone close in our family is being pregnant T_T). So when there’s this travel fair at our city, we decided to just buy the tickets!

Turns out, planning on a trip has a positive effect on my emotional being. As I focusing all my thoughts on this trip: watching recommended places to go and foods to try on Youtube, learning about the transportations, reading hotel reviews and picking up hotel to stay, making itineraries… I feel like all my negative thoughts start leaving me. I wasn’t so sure about taking this trip at the beginning, but now I was grateful that we’re making this decision. It does cost quite a lot for us, but I know it’s not only a physical trip. It’s more like a trip for soul 🙂

On my prayer last night, I was being grateful for this TTC journey that I have to go through. Maybe I was not going to learn anything if I have been given what I want easily. So far, I have learned about fear, anger, bitterness, envy. But I also learn about hope and love and faith. I don’t know what the future might bring, but I don’t wanna ‘wait’ anymore. For I believe the life I’m living on today is already the perfect version of what it should be. As I am learning God’s plan never fails.

Note: for now I only take vitamin E daily (Blackmores 250iu) and trying to add more and more healthy foods 🙂

  • CD: Cycle Day
  • TTC: Trying to Conceive
  • AF: Aunt Flow (period)
  • BFN: Big Fat Negative (Negative home pregnancy test)

 

Emotionally Impaired.

It’s been a while since I wrote my last post. Nothing much happened since Chinese New Year celebration. It’s just I’ve been feeling I’m at the lowest point of my life now and I don’t wanna share too much negativity. Basically I do not feel like doing anything: I do not exercise anymore, I do not take any folic acid like I always did, and most fatally I do not hope anymore *sigh*

There were some nicest people that have been telling me they keep praying for me every night (one of them is my Aunt). One day my in-laws’ house assistant even sent me a text from bible verse “Blessed shall be the fruit of thy body…” Really I do feel grateful for these people and praying God would bless them with so many goodness in life.

A cousin shared a testimony from a pastor at church about how her parents were diagnosed to be barren but then gave birth to her after 5 years of praying. I was thankful for her thoughtfulness, but still the word BARREN came out a little bit too strong. Lately I seem to have only two kinds of emotion: sad/teary and angry. I hate to be pitied by others, so mostly I choose the second one (which I know equally ugly): Anger.

Today is CD 1. Husband told me that it seems the only therapy works on me would be TTC. Crazy but true. At least when I’m focusing myself on TTC, I feel a little bit of hope inside of me and it makes me feel a little happier. Does it sound like old-times Chinese medication method: to fight poison using poison?

Additional note: Yesterday I got a good analogy of me coming to children birthday party. I said to hubby that it would be like coming to a Ferrari Club Gathering or something, when you only own a Hyundai. People would be bringing and bragging about their Ferraris and you would just sit there and look pathetic. Oh well.

Better things would come (or not).

Don’t Chicken Out Now!

Here comes the happiest time of the year… Chinese New Year! When you have to listen to that annoying “WHEN” questions by Aunties (sometimes Uncles) and at the same time you have to give money to their grandchildren (Angpao). It’s basically like paying for your own misery. @.@ (Note: I usually had dinner at husband’s late grandma’s house on the night before CNY, then again on the next morning, and finally lunch at my parents).

So, I made our first attempt of TTC in 2017 (in hopes of getting out of CNY torture). No, not pregnant yet. And yes, another BFN. This time as suggested by my doctors, I was taking 200mg Utrogestan (progesterone) and Cardiprin 100mg (baby dose Aspirin) right after we’re trying in order to avoid another early miscarriage (in case pregnancy happened this cycle). Symptoms I got? Super dry skin on face (it did happen to me both times I got pregnant), sometimes gassy (!) and no brown spots at all few days before scheduled AF came, which made me kinda hopeful *sigh*

On CD 28 when I supposed to have my period, I took HPT in the morning, got a BFN. And then AF came the next day (once I stopped taking Utrogestan). So I guessed it was probably the Utrogestan that caused a delayed period (?) and also dry face. Been searching on Internet regarding Utrogestan vs delayed period, but there were too many contradicting answers. For the Cardiprin, I did not think it cause any discomfort or side effects to me (I took both for around 2 weeks or so). I’ve been thinking that next cycle I would not taking any hormonal medicine, maybe just Aspirin.

Have a happy prosperous Lunar New Year! Praying that everyone on the same TTC journey would soon find their happiness (baby or not, just please stay happy and hopeful! 🙂 )

Gong xi gong xi!